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In the past few years, native New Yorkers have been fleeing to the Southern states. I know around a dozen families that have quickly sold their homes here and purchased an even bigger prized possession down south or in the Midwest.
A few have had the luxury of moving down with their both immediate and extended families, but most have left extended family along with some close friends behind in the pursuit of comfort at half the price.
Initially, that sounds like a dream come true.
Who wouldn’t want to sell their home and buy a larger one for half the price, some purchased newly constructed homes in gated communities for what you’d barely buy a fixer upper for here? Yet as time ticks away, I’ve personally seen and felt the real cost of gaining more concrete, wood, and grass while leaving loved ones behind, hours away. What seemed sound financially ended up costing heavily in the currency of the heart. Distance doesn’t always make the heart grow fonder. Sometimes, it actually creates strangers.
While there certainly isn’t anything inherently wrong with making a move that increases your personal comfort and gives your immediate family some extra space, there are unseen costs that most don’t factor in and the real estate agent never mentions. You’re moving hours away from people whom you may need the support of in one season of life or another.
My wife and myself both have had family make the move with the major selling point being, “the extra room.” They gained a beautiful spare bedroom many hours away, a large playroom with a ton of toys, and even an extended garage for an extra car.
But because of the distance, all the “extra room,” has been mostly empty of loved ones. I’ve never slept in that spare bedroom, spent quality time playing in the toy room, or parked my car in the empty, extra parking space. Family members and their children have aged and grown up right before us, yet only on a screen. I’m sad to say that if I passed by them in a grocery store, they wouldn’t recognize me, because I’m a stranger who lives nearly half of a country away.
On the contrary, both of my siblings live about thirty minutes away from me. A few weeks ago, my wife and I were invited by my nephew to his classroom for their Christmas party. He was so excited when we walked into the classroom; excited we were able to show up, excited for his family life to merge with his school life. He was excited to walk us through the hallways he travels in each day while pointing out to us his displayed artwork. Their children know us, not through a FaceTime screen, but in real life. By God’s Grace, we’ve been privileged to be a part of their childhood and their upbringings.
More recently, they have both been mentioning moving even closer to us, close enough that we’d be able to take a quick ride to their bus stops in the morning and to the baseball or soccer field in the evening. Even a half hour away has a little bit of a distance limitation to what we’re able to attend and be a part of. How much more does a ten-hour drive down to South Carolina or a few days’ journey to Texas?
The more I live and experience, the more I’m convinced that the extended family unit was meant to be closely knit in heart and somewhat close in proximity. Grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins were meant to be a vital part of their family members’ everyday lives. God created it that way and for a good purpose. The children in our family need older family members that they trust involved in their lives, daily, weekly, practically, and tenderly of course. Adolescents, teenagers, and young adults need family members they can run to when things are a little rough at home. Distance, despite possibly giving us an extra room in our home, quenches all that extra love and care the children need, especially in this time and generation, and using a screen to do so just isn’t the same. Humans were created to be embraced by a familiar hand on their shoulder both when times are good and not so much.
This certainly isn’t a suggestion not to enjoy everything you’ve worked so hard for. It’s only a reminder to make the family unit a main priority again, like our society has in decades long past. We’ve all so easily strayed away from many things that make life truly rich and fulfilling, in the pursuit of the extras. If you’ve been planning your great escape to your personal promise land, I only encourage you not to forget to factor in the hidden costs of the extra room you’ll gain in your home.
