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Last month marked the fifteenth year of my middle brother’s tragic passing. My brother was only twenty-two years old when he lost a relatively short battle with drug addiction, specifically opiates, and ultimately heroin. His death in 2009 was one of the first on the East End in middle class suburbia that let people know that heroin was here, it was real and could kill. Before that, heroin was a taboo drug, seemingly only found behind the barbed wire fences of the inner-city alley.
As I’ve written in prior articles, my own life took a drastic turn after his untimely death. I had a lot of personal regret, questions and heart break that made me even try walking into a church in the very center of the hustle and bustle of midtown Manhattan. I knew I needed something other than myself for help. I’ve never been the same person since that Tuesday evening service.
That evening ultimately started a new journey of life with faith as a Christian. Writing that even a decade and a half later is still odd to me. I used to think “Jesus people” were weird, obnoxious, and way out of touch with reality.
I’ve learned and experienced much on this journey. Much about God, about myself, about others, and about life. It’s been a long, rolling classroom that still hasn’t ended. I’ve passed some of the tests, others I had to take over. Some of them I’m still currently struggling through, still unsure what God is trying to both teach me and change in my heart. Nevertheless, here’s just a few random things I’ve learned since October 29, 2009.
God can bring good things out of a really hard life blow. It won’t be immediate, nor will it be the easy way we’d like, but He will. Out of a sudden death, He brought a new life, a new purpose, and a new heart and set of willing hands to go out to help others. After fifteen years in hindsight, I can honestly say, “He brings beauty out of ashes and out of death, a real-life Resurrection.”
The people who began with you on life’s journey won’t necessarily be there the whole way. I’ve lost friends and family along the journey, especially when my priorities started to change. My life prior to my brother’s passing was only focused on vain things, tangible things, and completely centered on myself. When I started taking on new priorities, my phone stopped ringing. I was the “extremely religious” guy who ended up losing his mind. Many of my relationships and approval from the people in my life were based on outer circumstances rather than inner. When I started to look inward, people started exiting the train.
Leave plenty of room for the faults of other people. Forgiveness is not only a beautiful attribute to have and to spread around, it’s healing as well. People are going to say and do things that will hurt you. You’ll be betrayed at times, abandoned, and talked about with ill intentions; not once, but often. That’s all part of the journey too. Believe it or not, it’s needed for us to learn and for our hearts to grow in grace.
It is more blessed to give than to receive. While being on the receiving end of a set of generous hands is wonderful, there’s something about giving that moves the heart at the core. Don’t forget that people have upbringings, experiences, stories, and lives that we truly don’t know much about. We just see the stranger ringing up our groceries with tired eyes and shaking anxious hands. Opening your heart and hand to them can be a monumental part of their journey, even though we don’t realize it at that moment.
Every individual person grieves differently after a loss. Many times, we put a plan and a timeline on other people’s grieving process. I’m guilty of that myself. My siblings grieved differently than I did and still do fifteen years later. It’s been a process, and every day, year, and anniversary date feel very different. In my case, God has used reaching out to other children and young people in my community as a part of my own healing process but that’s not everyone’s journey. I see my brother in many of the kids in my community. Getting to do for them what an older brother should have done for him has been a joy.
You never know when the last time you’ll see someone will be. I know this saying is cliche and with cliche sayings, we often repeat them without believing them. I saw my brother for the last time at my apartment in Astoria. He was helping move our mutual friend into the apartment. Our relationship was strained at the time unfortunately, yet I’m grateful that I had that last opportunity to see him regardless. He helped move a few large pieces of furniture in and we said goodbye. Who knew that fifteen years that I’d be wishing that one goodbye lasted for hours?
Slow down a little. Your life will change over the years whether you want it to or not. Friends, jobs, seasons of life will change. Sometimes drastically and other times very gradually. Many times, I find myself wanting the next season of life to come without fully appreciating the one I’m in right now. If you’re constantly living always wanting the next big thing, you’ll miss out on truly appreciating and enjoying all of the small, wonderful blessings you have right now.
Love was always meant to be an action word. Every person desires to be loved and to know that their existence matters to someone else. Sometimes that’s just stopping for a one-minute conversation or taking a few minutes to check in on someone without asking them for anything afterwards. Love can be big and grandeur in expression but doesn’t have to be. Sometimes it’s simply, “Hey how did that doctor’s appointment you were worried about go?”
Make time to pray each day. Jesus is recorded departing off to a solitary place before the sun came up to spend alone time in prayer. This is one of the best habits that He’s helped me to form. We never know what a day can hold or what challenges we may face or decision we may have to make. Pray alone, pray together pray often, praying sincerely, and pray transparently. Pray knowing that you were never supposed to navigate this journey completely alone.
Travel light. This world and journey are a temporary. You and I are just briefly passing through.
