The issue of family estrangement is a societal phenomenon that hasn’t gotten much attention over the years. However, lately more studies have indicated it’s on the rise. According to Psychology Today, in an article published in January, there is data to suggest that as many as one in four people are estranged from at least one family member.
But what is driving this rise in family estrangement, and what are the consequences? Even Sigmund Freud, the founder of psychoanalysis, makes just five references to sibling relationships in his numerous volumes of work. Only during the past two decades have researchers conducted meaningful studies on sibling relationships.
One of the problems with conducting studies on family relationships is the scarcity of people willing to discuss it. Researchers often cite the complex emotions that accompany family breakdowns, including frustration, sense of failure, and even anger. Even the simple act of answering questions anonymously, or filling out a questionnaire, can stir up negative emotions that some people would prefer to suppress.
Shontel Cargill, a family therapist in Cumming, Georgia, describes it as a “multilayered phenomenon.” As an example, she cites “the growing recognition and importance of mental health and well-being, leading more individuals to prioritize their emotional health, while setting boundaries with toxic or abusive family members.”
According to Kylie Agllias, an Australian social worker, and author of Family Estrangement: A Matter of Perspective, “Family estrangement is larger than conflict and more complicated than betrayal. It is entwined in contradictory beliefs, values, and behaviors, the result of at least one member of the family considering reconciliation impossible and/or undesirable.” For some people, the cessation of familial relations can be an inordinately traumatizing experience, says Agllias.
The Family Research Center, at the University of Cambridge, surveyed 807 people, mostly from the United Kingdom, the United States, Canada, and Australia, who identified themselves as being estranged from either their whole family or a key member of their family. Here are some of the key factors cited most often as leading to sibling relationship breakdown:
• Mismatched expectations over family roles or responsibilities
• Clash of personality or values
• Emotional abuse
• (Parental) favoritism
• A traumatic family event
The factors cited most often as leading to adult children estranging themselves from parents include:
• Emotional abuse
• Clash of personality and/or values
• Neglect
• Issues relating to mental health problems
• Traumatic family event
Research indicates the length of estrangement ranges from less than six months to more than thirty years. Some family members cycle in and out of estrangement. On average, estrangement lasts about nine years. Despite the social stigma of estrangement, 80% of estranged family members indicate there had been some positive experiences, such as greater feelings of freedom and independence.
What are Estranged People Looking for?
When data from the surveys and research is broken down, there are common responses as to what the estranged are looking for, in order to restore a relationship with a family member, be it parent or sibling. They are:
• A more positive, unconditionally loving relationship,
with genuine concern for one’s welfare
• More understanding, more respect, less judgment, less criticism
• Better communication
The Connection Between Childhood Conflict and Adult Estrangement
University of Illinois psychologist Laurie Kramer studied 3-to-9-year-old siblings and found that these children experience an extended conflict 2.5 times per 45-minute play session, or once every 18 minutes. However, in healthy sibling relationships, there is also a lot of positive interaction, which makes the conflict easier to bear. The siblings who never learn to manage these childhood conflicts are most at risk for adult estrangement.
Is There a Way Out?
It is not impossible to find a way back from estrangement, although it may be difficult. Often, the key is to understand the underlying root issues, and that often depends on communication. And communication itself may be impeded, if family members block calls or e-mails. These are some possible steps:
• Reach out to your child, let them know you are there to support them
• A handwritten letter or brief voicemail is best
• If communication opens, listen without defending yourself
• Don’t beg or plead
• Listen with compassion
• Acknowledge your contribution to the problem, apologize
• When necessary, seek therapy and support
The issue of family estrangement may not pose a societal threat, but it nevertheless causes hardship and stress to those affected. The usual joy of being part of a family is compromised, and even family members not directly involved are often drawn into the conflict. A conflict between siblings can quickly spread to cousins, aunts and uncles. Family members who are estranged are forced to find other means of support when they need it most, including friends or professional help. There is a pathway back from estrangement, but it takes effort from both sides and compromise is the magic ingredient.
