Because of course Wendy’s would have the audacity to attempt a strawberry-flavored coup to catastrophize our summer-set health surges. But I bet the fast-food establishment didn’t count on me not enjoying it.
Does a Frosty have dairy, or does it not have dairy? Such was posited by all self-respecting burger joint frequenters who resisted SuperSizing themselves out of the game, but were left milkshake battered by McDonald’s’ 2016 origin film, The Founder. Per the arc of its ferocious franchiser, Ray Kroc (Michael Keaton), business really began a-booming upon the restaurant’s decision to cut out blender-peddling middlemen and introduce non-dairy powder into the mix instead.
The result: a half century-plus spanning fear that what you think is dairy is actually anything but. While McDonald’s’ longtime competitor on every restaurant row and at every rest stop sports an ingredient mega board in-house to confirm its Frosties are dairy-certified, something must have been lost in translation. For their limited run summertime Strawberry Frosty, controversially replacing the 2006-introduced Vanilla option, is no Frosty optically, structurally or tastefully; it’s a strawberry shake. And an overfilling one, at that.
How could this have happened? After years of hypothesizing what a Strawberry Frosty could look like, even makeshift experimenting with a purehearted vision requiring an open-minded groupchat, a Nesquik Strawberry syrup purchase and a spoon, the dream is dead, at least on the hyperlocal front. Wendy’s simply missed the boat by prioritizing an overflow, rather than that classic Frosty “whip” that could never in a million years be found in a mere milkshake.
The major issue lies within the restaurant’s Vanilla discontinuation for the sake of this exercise. Obviously, you can’t consider benching Chocolate, as it’s been a mainstay since the moment the chain first opened in 1969. And obviously, it’s a numbers game as well. However, if an aim for absolute authenticity played more of a part in the brain trust’s execution, Wendy’s would have recognized producing Vanilla Frosties en masse and converting them to Strawberry for the big finish would have been the preferred move. Instead, the drastically altered final product will reign supreme during what amounts to this, the summer of forgotten dreams.
Hyperbolic dramatics aside, it’s still not sitting right with all of us dazed and confused in the Smith Haven Mall food court due to Wendy’s having the gall to roll out the decades-long demanded Strawberry Frosty in June, of all months. Weight-cutters the world over: we’re sorry. Wendy’s didn’t foresee the fury of the New Year’s resolution post-daters making up the free world. But here’s hoping they will in the future when the Turkey Baconator hops on the call.
High metabolism possessors: enjoy, but don’t overdo it. Everyone else, if you foreclose on the “summer of lean,” then there certainly won’t be no rest for the wicked. But know this: when a Frosty is truly one with the “frost,” you’ll know it. And, sadly, this ain’t it.
Because of course Wendy’s would have the nerve to try to commit “Frosty-ccino” erasure, too. You have to hand it to their creative brass, they certainly are innovative. But even the wildest minds in Hollywood still struggle to get their most ambitious ideas greenlit.
Sample it if you must, but if it’s less a bucket list item and more of a chore at this point, maybe hold out for something grander? After all, life is too short to surrender when there’s something else just around the corner that is objectively better. The closest Wendy’s to Crunch Fitness in Hauppauge, for starters, is 1.1 miles away. But Shah’s Halal of Veterans Memorial Highway is as well. Food for thought: when in doubt, go to Shah’s or go home.
‘Till we meet again, Vanilla Frosty. Enjoy your summer off from having french fries unwittingly dipped into you. As for the proverbial ranking of strawberry milkshakes, which the Strawberry Frosty so clearly is, there is still only Mister Softee’s and then everyone else’s.
That is the Message. Don’t Kill the Messenger.
Ingredients (courtesy of Wendy’s) Strawberry Frosty: Vanilla Frosty (Milk, Sugar, Corn Syrup, Cream, Nonfat Milk, Whey, Contains Less than 1% of Guar Gum, Mono and Diglycerides, Cellulose Gum, Carrageenan, Calcium Sulfate, Sodium Citrate, Natural Flavor, Molasses, Annatto Extract [Color], Vitamin A Palmitate), Strawberry Syrup (Sugar, Strawberry Puree, Water, Malic Acid, Pectin, Potassium Sorbate [Preservative], Natural Flavor, Red 40). CONTAINS: MILK (ALL OF UNITED STATES) AND SOY (ALASKA AND HAWAII ONLY). Junior 200cal Small 350cal Medium 480cal Large 600cal.
