As technology continues to grow, evolve, and become more innovative and extensive, so do the concerns, problems, and dangers it can pose.
The last decade or so has given us not only a wealth of information at our fingertips, but also various forms of social media, online content creation, messaging, forums, and a host of other means to establish an online footprint. A culture that is continually online will find that while the benefits are unparalleled, the dangers are just as unique, if not more so.
Internet culture has completely changed how children and teens are raised and how they come to know the world.
The classic concerns, problems, and dangers of the adolescent world remain constant, but can be amplified by a world where information can be instantly shared and near-impossible to remove.
The Suffolk County District Attorney’s Office hosted a seminar for teens, parents, and caregivers on Monday night at the Smithtown Library. The presentation focused not only on the classic concerns of dating, relationships, and the associated support systems, but also put those tenets through the lens of modern technology.
Assistant D.A.’s Joseph Mallek and Johanna Poremba of the Child Abuse and Domestic Violence Bureau hosted the presentation on teen dating violence and cyber crimes. The ADAs relayed their experiences working in the bureau to help the teens protect themselves against the possible dangers of the dating world magnified by an ever-online world.
“There’s different types of abuse. It’s not just physical, there’s more manipulative, emotional ways that people can get in your brain and use you to their advantage that you might not even realize is happening until months down the line of talking to this person,” said Poremba. “The abuser will gain control over their partner through various means, and this doesn’t necessarily have to be a romantic relationship. This could be a friend who makes you believe that they have good intentions, but they’re actually doing things that really hurt you emotionally or physically.”
Poremba opened by saying that teens should identify trusted adults in their lives with whom to discuss possible forms of abuse, including, but not limited to, parents, siblings, guidance counselors, coaches, or teachers.
“One in three girls in the U.S. is a victim of physical, emotional, or verbal abuse,” said Poremba. “But we’re seeing that with men as well. It happens on both sides equally. One in ten high school students have been purposefully hit, slapped, or physically hurt as well. You might think it’s just on TV that people are being choked, or hit, or abused, whether it’s physically or emotionally manipulated, but it really does happen everywhere, especially on the Island. We only deal with Suffolk County and we’re constantly getting new cases every week.”
Mallek said that while the department cannot ultimately control the actions of other people, they can try to help and give young people the tools they need to identify these patterns of abuse. Mallek also said that sexual abuse is one of the more important areas of concern for teens to be able to identify, and that such abuse can stem from anyone, not just a partner.
Mallek also said that the cyber aspect of abuse is an especially prevalent one, and that all forms of social media or messaging can be used to cause potential exploitation or abuse. Poremba outlined tell-tale warning signs of a manipulative person, especially a partner.
“It could be somebody putting you down, belittling you, maybe a little joke, or maybe it’s a cute nickname that’s really not so cute and bothers you,” said Poremba. “Explosive temper: everything seems fine, but you feel like maybe you’re walking on eggshells because you don’t know if all of a sudden they’re just going to snap at you. In the sexual aspect: pressuring you. ‘No means no,’ even if you said ‘yes’ yesterday or ten minutes ago. Telling someone what they can or cannot do could also pertain to finances, such as controlling what you buy.”
Poremba also said that manipulative behavior can be spotted in someone controlling what one hears or sees and the friends and family members one might hold close. She also mentioned the term ‘gaslighting,’ which is when someone convinces another that their reality is not as it is.
“Checking your cell phone, your email, your social network without your permission, this all ties into being very controlling of your life and your actions and trying to control your life,” said Poremba. “If you are not the one who gets to make decisions about what you wear, who you see, what you eat, what you’re watching, these are all red flag warning signs.”
Poremba said that while teens might not think this applies to them, it certainly can, and if not them, then a friend or family member. Mallek and Poremba stressed throughout the presentation that while the content is to better equip teens for the potential dangers of the dating world, it also equips them to identify someone in need of help.
“Oftentimes, the biggest warning signs that we see is first to be isolated from friends and family,” said Mallek. Ultimately, they want to isolate and control you to influence every part of your life. Something that you can also notice is a loss of interest in things that you or friends find enjoyable. They stop coming to sports practices, different clubs, and activities, and they stop coming to hang around.” M
allek said that a common excuse for behavior is: “you just don’t get it.” Victims might sympathize with their abusers or give them the benefit of the doubt beyond what is reasonable.
“Any time that you have a friend or even yourself and the person is doing something wrong, but there’s an excuse for that behavior, be aware of that,” said Mallek.
Mallek said that symptoms of abuse and manipulation might be disrupted eating and sleeping patterns, alcohol and drug usage, and the loss of self-confidence and self-assuredness.
The ADAs then played a video that showed the quick spiral into manipulation a relationship can take. What started as an exciting beginning of two interested teens who finally started dating turned into a nightmare scenario of manipulation and abuse. The boyfriend displays early signs of jealousy and territoriality by questioning why his girlfriend talks to certain people and for what reasons. Another male in one of her classes asking about a project triggers the boyfriend’s insecurity, while the girlfriend gradually drifts away from her best friend due to questioning from her boyfriend.
The boyfriend takes it upon himself to message these people with her phone and controls his girlfriend’s list of contacts.
Fits of rage and high tempers are resolved with gifts and lavish dates, keeping the girlfriend in the loop of excuses for his behavior and that her friends “just don’t get it.”
Finally, the boyfriend pressures her into sending him inappropriate photos, which he then posts online.
The ADAs reassured the teens that in New York, the sharing of explicit photographs is a felony, even if the victim is an adult.
“One in three adolescents in the U.S. is a victim of physical, sexual, emotional, or verbal abuse,” said Poremba. “It shouldn’t be that way. About one in three teens see their partner texting them between ten and thirty times an hour asking where they were, what they’re doing, or who they’re with.”
The ADAs told the teens to be careful of how they might approach someone who they know is being abused.
“Don’t blame them or judge them for what’s happening,” said Mallek. “The biggest thing you can do is just to be there for them when they’re reading to talk about it. It takes time for the person to process what’s happened to them, to deal with that trauma, and to start the process of reckoning with what’s happened to them. The best thing you can do is reassure them and be compassionate if they’ve isolated from you.”
“The biggest thing is to never confront the abuser. You don’t know what that person is capable of, and ultimately there’s nothing you can do to solve that problem,” said Mallek. “That’s when authorities or police get involved, somebody who is trained to deal with somebody who is an abuser and to safely confront them.”
The ADAs also said that online gaming is one of the biggest areas for predators to exploit children. Discord, a messaging and voice/video call platform, is a hotbed of crimes due to inadequate server moderation and sensitive information or photos being sent to strangers who could be anywhere in the country or the world.
They also reminded the teens that whatever is put on the Internet might as well be written in ink.
The ADAs mentioned other forms of abuse or exploitation, such as catfishing – the practice of luring someone into a relationship (usually online) behind a fake persona – sexting, phishing – the practice of sending emails or messages posing as a legitimate agency in order to obtain personal and financial information – and other forms of scams or privacy invasion.
“Just be smart, use your common sense. Listen to your parents; they might be annoying, but they’re always right, you’ll figure it out when you’re older. Know that there are people you can trust, if you see something, say something, whether it’s a partner with a friend, or you see your friend who’s in a relationship and something doesn’t seem right, tell somebody,” the ADAs concluded.
The National Domestic Violence Hotline can be reached at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or by texting “START” to 88788. The website can be reached for live chats with an operator at thehotline.org/get-help/
The Suffolk County District Attorney’s Office can be reached at 631-852-3185.
